you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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