What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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