i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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