i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Can Purell be used as lube?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
