I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
