I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
