I'd wear matching sweaters with you
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
