Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
