I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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