Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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