where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
