You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
