I'm sorry my penis didn't work
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
