if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
