I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
