sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
