Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
