what day is it and did you see me today?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
