Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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