Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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