Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
