what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
