can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
