wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
