you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
