I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
