She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We left the knife in your bed.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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