i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
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