i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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