I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
