I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
