That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
