new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
