Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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