I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
