i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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