I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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