I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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