I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
