we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Found your dick twin last night
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
