i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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