Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
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