Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
