Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
