Just fell off a train. Bad.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Green mimosas i think yes
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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