im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
People in love make me want to vomit
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
