My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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