I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
