btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
