im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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