Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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