My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
